CHAIRSIDE

Table Treats from CE Meets

Montgomery Vickers, O.D.

Been to any CE meetings late-ly? My favorite part is to sit quietly near a table of optometrists and … and “do research.” OK, I mean snoop. No, eavesdrop. But how do I, the infamous Dr. Montgomery Vickers, do such a thing without attracting attention from the throngs of autograph seekers and memorabilia hounds? Very good question.

Of course there is a wide variety in what I overhear de-pending on where the meeting is. For example, at Vision Expo in New York, you just never, ever hear, “How about them grits this morning.” While at SECO in Atlanta, you’ll not listen to a very long discussion about “Louie’s unfortunate visit to the bottom of the Hudson.” What about meetings out West? I lost my will to cross the Mississippi once Disney World opened in Florida.

Anyway, based on my “res-earch,” I have compiled the top 25 things that optometrists chat about at CE luncheons (accompanied by my personal thoughts, of course):

25. Do you have an edger? My we’ve progressed since I got out of school in 1979 when the question was, “Do you have an edger?”
24. How much do you charge for contact lenses? As the AOA lawyers scramble for a way out of this obvious antitrust violation, I shall hide behind the Constitution.
23. Do you pre-appoint? Only with my masseuse.
22. Do you ever recommend “lasix” (sic) for nearsightedness? No, just for bloating.
21. What’s the best decision you ever made? Let’s just say it was when I DID NOT buy the latest INNOvative TECHnology to make lenses.
20. Have you heard the latest Clinton joke? Yes, we have.
19. How are the ophthalmologists in your town? Imagine a bunch of pit bulls with no teeth.
18. Seriously, how much is a six-pack? I always buy a case.
17. Ever hire a practice consultant? Of course, that’s why I’m rich and drive a 10-year-old van.
16. Anybody want my pickle? Again, with the Clinton stuff.
15. Do you give contact lens prescriptions? I don’t GIVE anything away in my office.
14. We have 12 techs, three doctors and three floors. You’re a lunatic.
13. Isn’t your wife your office manager? I’m a lunatic.
12. Do you have one of those laser optic nerve analyzers? No, but I did get a pupillometer this year.
11. Do you take all vision plans? No, I decided it would be just as good and less hassle to set fire to my hair.
10. Are you on the Optcom list? No. I prefer my whine with cheese.
9. How do you treat a twitchy eyelid? I tell the patient, “No joke, this IS your total today.”
8. Do you always dilate? Only when the Sports Illus-trated swimsuit edition comes out.
7. Is golf your game? Depends what “is” is.
6. Are you computerized? I found the remote last night. Does that count?
5. They’re giving away pens at the B&L booth. That is so cool, I think I’ll kill myself.
4. Are you Y2K compliant? I’ve been compliant since the day I got married.
3. Are you an optometric physician? I like to think of myself as more like an optometric naturist?
2. Any advice for a young O.D. graduate? Open where they ain’t.
And the number one topic of conversation at a table full of opto-metrists next to where I just happen to be eavesdropping: Hey nutcase. Take a picture, it’ll last longer!

Share your own CE research with Dr. Vickers at SECO this month, where he'll be in the Review of Optometry booth. Or, e-mail reviewofoptometry@jobson.com or Review of Optometry, 201 King of Prussia, Radnor, PA 19089.

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